Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Conan The Barbarian

This will probably be one of my last movie updates in a long time since I go back to school next week and my social life will die again.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was the last movie I got to see for free from working at the movies. I have to say even though I got to see it for free, I totally would have paid to see it. It was definitely worth the price of a matinee (FYI: no movie is worth more than the cost of a matinee, they’re either worth nothing, the cost of a bootleg or the cost of a matinee). I can honestly say that this is probably the best movie I’ve seen all summer, and I don’t remember the last time I saw a movie as good as this one. It was only about an hour and forty-five minutes long but I wouldn’t have minded if they made it longer. I didn’t even have a huge list of problems with scientific inaccuracies like I normally would. My main problem was that in the beginning of the movie you see a large group of chimps in the wild running away from something, in the real world you would never see more than 2 or 3 chimps together at a time, although they live in larger groups of 30 or so chimps. If that many chimps were together at once they would all be fighting. That bit of knowledge was brought to you by my anthropology class on human evolution 😀

I highly recommend seeing this movie if you want your faith in movies restored from seeing too many crappy, unoriginal, cliche ones.Especially if you want your faith in sci-fi movies restored, since they tend to make so many crappy ones.

 

I want to start off by saying that I did not have high expectations for the new rendition of Conan the Barbarian. For some reason I thought they might turn Conan into a touchy feely nice muscly guy. He also lacks the ability to look like the real psycho that Arnold did, or make his angry-constipated faces (as I call them) in the original movie (see image below).

However, this movie turned out way better than I expected it to be. Also, please excuse my profanity in the following review of this movie. I have been trying to use less of it in my blog but as this movie was so incredibly badass I couldn’t help myself.  The only spoiler I’ll write is the rest of this paragraph, and its the very first scene in the movie. The movie starts with a very pregnant woman, in armor, on a fucking battle field wielding a sword killing a man. Then she falls back while her husband kills some more men. Then she tells him she wants to see her baby before she dies. So her husband takes his swords, uses it to give her a c-section (it’s not seen), takes the baby out, shows it to her and asks her to name it. She names it Conan, then he holds it above his head and gives a battle cry. The whole time I was trying to contrive how the hell that situation was even possible.(in fact I was thinking that at several points in the movie). But it did its job, it set the tone for one fucking awesome movie.

When I thought there was going to be a lame training montage, it hardly lasted long enough to be one. Within minutes Conan was killing stuff and being bad ass. He also has no shirt on for 95% of the movie. I approve. The story line wasn’t half bad either, it went more in depth than the original did. I cannot remember any lines of dialogue from the original other than the narrator saying “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Aside from that the original was practically a borderline porno movie, complete with an orgy room filled with 100’s of naked people, today it would probably be rated NC-17. The new movie wasn’t overly sexually gratuitous at all. There were a lot of topless slaves in one scene and one sex scene but aside from that it was a lot of killing stuff. Also, during the sex scene they show the ass of that guy who plays Conan. That ass alone is worth the price of a matinee, it was so fucking amazing I’m not even sure if it’s real!! It is a crime that such a beautiful ass had to be hidden under sexy man-skirts for the rest of the movie. I also liked that the girl in the movie wasn’t totally useless. For every time she screwed stuff up she redeemed herself by killing something, or helping Conan kill something.

I did not see this movie in 3D and I don’t think it needed to be in 3D. I saw only one or two parts that I thought would have looked cool in 3D but even then it was no reason to go and shoot the whole damn movie in 3D. Though I am curious to see how his ass looks in 3D. The two improvements that could have been made to this movie would have been to show more man ass and to include a modern version of Grace Jones (since she was so badass in Conan the Destroyer). Hopefully they’ll make a sequel and do that.

I really recommend this movie if you want to see a movie about one mother-fucking badass killing tons of stuff and being badass.

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    I LOOOOOOOVE the new Planet of the Apes movie! I’m so glad you finally got it 🙂 Caesar is Golem from LotR just fyi 🙂 I agree with the scientific inaccuracies bit, but the movie was so good I didn’t even notice. The acting was pretty good and I liked where they took the story.

    Also I would like to mention when I saw the Arnold picture I almost peed in my pants. Also when you started talking about the sexy man ass. HAHAHA.

    • 2

      improperintegirl said,

      The original Conan is hilarious, it’s full of Arnold making those faces. But I suggest waiting for it to show up on cable if you don’t want the overly gratuitous amount of boobs.

      And I seriously can’t recall ever seeing an ass that was so sexy.. it was chiseled but taken to the next level…. I want to buy the bootleg so I can rip pictures of his ass from it 😄 and then I will purchase the dvd so I can get them in good quality.

  2. 3

    Scott said,

    Yeah this Conan was better than I expected, though I just think that if he built up his arms just a bit more it would be perfect. I think Arnold is the closest representation of the muscles those guys would have.


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