Archive for August, 2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Conan The Barbarian

This will probably be one of my last movie updates in a long time since I go back to school next week and my social life will die again.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was the last movie I got to see for free from working at the movies. I have to say even though I got to see it for free, I totally would have paid to see it. It was definitely worth the price of a matinee (FYI: no movie is worth more than the cost of a matinee, they’re either worth nothing, the cost of a bootleg or the cost of a matinee). I can honestly say that this is probably the best movie I’ve seen all summer, and I don’t remember the last time I saw a movie as good as this one. It was only about an hour and forty-five minutes long but I wouldn’t have minded if they made it longer. I didn’t even have a huge list of problems with scientific inaccuracies like I normally would. My main problem was that in the beginning of the movie you see a large group of chimps in the wild running away from something, in the real world you would never see more than 2 or 3 chimps together at a time, although they live in larger groups of 30 or so chimps. If that many chimps were together at once they would all be fighting. That bit of knowledge was brought to you by my anthropology class on human evolution 😀

I highly recommend seeing this movie if you want your faith in movies restored from seeing too many crappy, unoriginal, cliche ones.Especially if you want your faith in sci-fi movies restored, since they tend to make so many crappy ones.


I want to start off by saying that I did not have high expectations for the new rendition of Conan the Barbarian. For some reason I thought they might turn Conan into a touchy feely nice muscly guy. He also lacks the ability to look like the real psycho that Arnold did, or make his angry-constipated faces (as I call them) in the original movie (see image below).

However, this movie turned out way better than I expected it to be. Also, please excuse my profanity in the following review of this movie. I have been trying to use less of it in my blog but as this movie was so incredibly badass I couldn’t help myself.  The only spoiler I’ll write is the rest of this paragraph, and its the very first scene in the movie. The movie starts with a very pregnant woman, in armor, on a fucking battle field wielding a sword killing a man. Then she falls back while her husband kills some more men. Then she tells him she wants to see her baby before she dies. So her husband takes his swords, uses it to give her a c-section (it’s not seen), takes the baby out, shows it to her and asks her to name it. She names it Conan, then he holds it above his head and gives a battle cry. The whole time I was trying to contrive how the hell that situation was even possible.(in fact I was thinking that at several points in the movie). But it did its job, it set the tone for one fucking awesome movie.

When I thought there was going to be a lame training montage, it hardly lasted long enough to be one. Within minutes Conan was killing stuff and being bad ass. He also has no shirt on for 95% of the movie. I approve. The story line wasn’t half bad either, it went more in depth than the original did. I cannot remember any lines of dialogue from the original other than the narrator saying “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Aside from that the original was practically a borderline porno movie, complete with an orgy room filled with 100’s of naked people, today it would probably be rated NC-17. The new movie wasn’t overly sexually gratuitous at all. There were a lot of topless slaves in one scene and one sex scene but aside from that it was a lot of killing stuff. Also, during the sex scene they show the ass of that guy who plays Conan. That ass alone is worth the price of a matinee, it was so fucking amazing I’m not even sure if it’s real!! It is a crime that such a beautiful ass had to be hidden under sexy man-skirts for the rest of the movie. I also liked that the girl in the movie wasn’t totally useless. For every time she screwed stuff up she redeemed herself by killing something, or helping Conan kill something.

I did not see this movie in 3D and I don’t think it needed to be in 3D. I saw only one or two parts that I thought would have looked cool in 3D but even then it was no reason to go and shoot the whole damn movie in 3D. Though I am curious to see how his ass looks in 3D. The two improvements that could have been made to this movie would have been to show more man ass and to include a modern version of Grace Jones (since she was so badass in Conan the Destroyer). Hopefully they’ll make a sequel and do that.

I really recommend this movie if you want to see a movie about one mother-fucking badass killing tons of stuff and being badass.

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Back To School Next week

So I quit my job at the movie theater a while ago. I’m pretty glad I did. It had awesome fringe benefits (free movies, free movie posters, free popcorn), but it came with a downside. That downside being the stupidest customers ever. People who don’t know what they want to see and want *you* to decide for them, people that bitch when you ID them for R movies, immigrants who can’t speak English and make almost NO effort to do so and the shitty parents who have no problem taking their 5 year olds into R-rated movies (specifically The Hangover). Plus this job killed my summer, I didn’t get the chance to prep for any of the exams I wanted to and I never got driving lessons.

Next semester I’ll be student teaching 6th graders. I’m looking forward to it, but I have a feeling I won’t have a life since education classes require papers. I’m also taking two math classes, Euclidean Geometry and Abstract Algebra.  The Geometry professor is the best professor ever according to everyone. Likewise, according to everyone Abstract Algebra is the *worst* class ever no matter who you take it with, but I made sure to take it with the best prof out of the three who teach the class.

I also had the most alcohol I’ve ever had in my life in the past two weeks (and it wasn’t much). A bit more than half a normal serving of mead (at the Renn Faire) and about 3/4 of a beer. Having Crohn’s Disease I was warned against drinking alcohol by the internet, but my doctor told me that you need to live your life and as long as I didn’t go too extreme I should be fine. I had no problems with the mead, it was awesome! However, I am *never* drinking beer again. Even the alcohol free kind. NEVER EVER AGAIN. It made me puke, get the runs, have chills and left me with stomach pains that days latter still showed up on occasion.

So upon doing research I discovered that a good number of people with Chrons or Colitis are ok with wine but not with beer. One study claims that its based on the sugar content of the drink, but I was fine with the sweet mead. I think its because beer is heavily yeasted. When I was looking up how wine and beer were made, the first recipe ever found for beer included throwing in bits of undercooked bread to act as a yeast (since they had no real yeast back then). The first recipes for wine only consisted of letting smashed grapes sit long enough. These days yeast is added in the wine making process, but way less than is added in the beer making process (which is a much more confusing process).

I’m a bit saddened at this, since I did enjoy the taste of the beer I had and was looking forward to trying a legit German beer or going to an Oktoberfest. But then again I’m thankful I could tolerate the mead since many people with Crohn’s can’t tolerate any alcohol period. Mead is the true drink of my ancestors anyway, though I will never be able to truely enjoy a hofbrauhaus 😦 I never even had the desire to get drunk… I just want to have one beer with a German meal and fellow Germans and Germans at heart :D. Who knows it might happen in the future if I can go into remission long enough, or in the future should I decide to get pregnant and my Crohn’s goes away while I am pregnant I can drink sometimes. And don’t bitch about what I just said. One glass of wine will not hurt a baby. Both of my grandmothers smoked, drank and took medication while pregnant with my parents, aunts and uncles and all of them turned out fine, except one of my uncles having been born with kidney problems.

All of that aside I both want to and don’t want to go back to school right now. But I am looking forward to the fall, Halloween, comic-con and Thanksgiving. I also think I’ll enjoy student teaching. The main thing I’m worried about is the fact that the girl I was paired with for the fall semester doesn’t speak English too well, and we have to write joint papers together. I’ve been able to work with people who were still learning English in the past well enough, but speaking English and writing in English and two very different things. I already know I’m going to be the editor all the time. Not something I’m happy with.

I’ll end with a picture of something I’d love to do to an honors class on April Fools day. (Wouldn’t do this to a normal class out of sympathy for the slow kids).

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